This week, we explored our sexual wellness zone—an often-neglected conversation in the larger context of wellness. This is largely because it’s regularly associated with feelings of shame, discomfort, anxiety, or simply the presence of sexual problems and difficulties. But the reality is sexual wellness is at the heart of wellbeing. It’s the relationship between body and mind; feeling good mentally, physically and socially and enhancing our life’s satisfaction. Which is what we’re all about at This Works. 

As a psychosexual therapist, Kate Moyle is our resident expert in sexual wellbeing. She’s shared her wealth of knowledge and invaluable tips on the topic with us on our wellness hub, including the importance of intimacy. In her own words, “Everything in our lives has the possibility to impact sex and vice versa and when we consider how we can positively influence our sexual wellbeing, then we can take control of shaping it into whatever ‘good’ looks like for us.” Here, Kate shares the five pillars of sexual wellness and teaches us that by recognising these pillars, you can create healthier sexual wellbeing with yourself and your partner.

pillar one: context

“Sex is always in context. It’s in part why sex can become predictable, why we can feel safe and more open in certain environments, and why so many of us can struggle with what I describe as ‘switching off to turn on’; when it feels like we can’t escape our own headspace. The relationship with our smartphones creates a disconnect with those we’re physically present with…continually reminding and interrupting us with everything else that needs doing. The effect of these external factors can shape desire, making our motivation towards sex more or less favourable. Creating the context and space to connect either with yourself, or a partner can play a game-changing role in our sexual wellbeing.”
 
what to do:
  • Be deliberate and intentional in your context shift to help switch your headspace.
  • Turn off by focusing your attention on something in a more sexual headspace like listening to an album you like or using a sensual body oil.
  • Set boundaries to break bad habits such as putting your phones on do not disturb in your bedroom half an hour before bedtime. 
  • Reduce distraction by spending ten minutes before you go to bed making a note of what’s going on for you. This helps you focus your attention on now, not tomorrow.
 
 

pillar two: communication    

“One of the biggest challenges in our sex lives is talking about sex—because it’s seen as an indicator that something is wrong. Ironically the person we are having sex with is often the hardest person to talk to about it. On top of that is historical and imbedded shame and embarrassment around sex in society. We all have our own versions of sex, pleasure, and desire and they won’t remain static across the lifetime. But our partners can’t be mind-readers, and unless we talk about it, we are operating on a system of assumptions. Talking about sex can feel like one of the most challenging things to do, but it can really make a difference in your sex life.”
 
what to do:
  • If you’re arguing about sex, change the angle of the conversation and ask your partner how they feel about sex, and what it means to them.
  • Don’t give your partner a shopping list of what isn’t working. Lean into the positives of what is working and what you do enjoy.
  • Discuss it at a time that’s not just before, during or after sex. By taking it out of a sexual context, it helps your partner from feeling like it’s sprung on them.
  • Use a prompt to start the conversation such as an article, video, social media post or discussion.

pillar three: pleasure

“The human body and brain are wired for pleasure. The body’s largest organ is our skin, and it’s packed with nerve endings that interpret information about the world around us. On top of this, we have emotional and social processing—is this touch we like, or received from someone and in a way that we feel comfortable with, and what does it mean to us? How we interpret pleasure is in our psychology and connects to all the other pillars discussed, as the back-and-forth relationship between physical, psychological and social continues to shape our sexual relationship with ourselves.”
 
what to do:
  • Touch for touch’s sake—letting sex become goal-orientated creates a sense of pressure and expectation, which detracts from pleasure.
  • Every time you have a sexual experience change one thing to reduce predictability and increase positive anticipation. 
  • Pleasure can change, so don’t be afraid to make additions such as a sex toy or arousing body oil. 
  • Start a pleasure journal to give your pleasure undivided attention so you can feel good about it without judgement.

pillar four: body knowledge

“Your body is your home for life, but many of us feel that we still live uncomfortably in it. We are fed so many messages from society about body ‘shoulds’ that creep into the bedroom with us and impact our ability to be in the moment. I often hear people report feeling broken or like their body is broken, but we go back to the relationship with their body and how that shapes how they see it—body confidence isn’t about how you look it’s about how you feel. Knowing our bodies feels basic but research suggests that people struggling with acceptance of their bodies feel further impacts on pleasure and satisfaction.”
 
what to do:
  • Lean into body neutrality to respect and accept your body, even if you don’t feel confident about it to help you to break free of limiting ideas.
  • Use the five senses to bring your attention inwards to your body.
  • Know your normal so you can be the best advocate for yourself. 
  • Get sensual with yourself—choose a moisturiser or body oil that you enjoy and practice affective touch.

pillar five: desire

“As a society, we are obsessed with finding the answer to what makes good sex, when the reality is that good sex is subjective. When we define desire, we have to separate it from arousal, it is our motivation or want for a sexual experience and involves the openness of partners towards each other. Spontaneous desire—such as passion—is over-represented in the media, and often undervalues the equally valuable responsive desire. Understanding responsive desire can hand us back a real sense of power and control in our sex lives, particularly when you believe that desire changing means that it’s lost and that you can’t regain  it.” 
 
what to do:
  • Break away from the shame by understanding how desire works and how it works for you.
  • Schedule time together to physically be together, free of distractions to intentionally prioritise this part of your relationship.
  • Boost your sexual currency by trying to touch, flirt, kiss or hug more outside the bedroom.
  • Talk about the times that you feel desired by each other when you aren’t having sex.
  • Try something new together that has nothing to do with sex to spark interest and learn new things about each other.
  • Understand and respect that sex and desire go through phases based on what’s going on for us physically, emotionally and socially.

use the toolkit

We collaborated with Kate to equip you with the products you need to prioritise and enter your sexual wellness zone.  
  • Set the mood: Create ambiance with the soft glow and long-lasting aroma of one of our hand poured candles.
  • Inspire interest: Our skin deep dry leg oil smooths, softens and improves the look of skin, sparking sensuality with yourself or your partner. 
  • Embrace affective touch: A guided massage can evoke pleasurable feelings and is done best with the nourishing texture of deep sleep body whip.
 
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